Haters Gonna Hate

Overwhelmed with people who can not be happy for anyone else who is doing good for themselves, instead of fixing their own mess, they are content and actually justify spewing negativity towards others out of spite. We live in such a absurd society were everyone is becoming increasingly selfish and petty, how are these condensed communities supposed to function if we don't take each other into consideration? Hypocrites seem to flap their lips about this and that, thinking they are better then everyone else, trying to control other people and hold themselves to a different standard.

I am so proud of my oldest son, he is a genuinely good person and was doing well when he got into the local parkour community. He met some nice people and he was excited about learning from them, until he acquired a job at a competing company and one fellow blew it out of proportion stating that my son is a traitor and is not ready to be a coach - where do you get off? They kicked my son off their training team and refuse to practice with him out of spite. This guy really needs to get over himself, regardless of all his negativity my son is doing fabulous at his job and he is a well respected coach. Although the company did have a poor reputation in the past, things have changed and my son was a part of that positive transition. I don't understand how some people can be so cruel and can't find it in themselves to be happy for others, especially when they are considered to be family or friends. In reality, those people get back what they put out into the world... if you're not happy with yourself and try destroy other people, you're just hurting yourself and the universe will give back to you what you deserve, while blessing those who are doing good.

I've been dealing with people who are pathological liars, going around telling everyone some story about how they are cleaning up their lives and doing so good for themselves, only to find out it's a total crock. It makes them angry that I know the truth, funny cause they seem more upset about the fact that I know, rather than being ashamed of their own actions. They want everyone to believe the lies while they secretly carry on with the debauchery, no consideration for who they are hurting. Doesn't matter anymore, they can do what they wanna do, say what they wanna say... I just have to learn how to stop reacting to the bullshit. Now that boundaries have been put into place, it doesn't effect my world anymore. Hate all you want, I don't have to care anymore because karma is here and I've got front row seats.

BA Third (Fourth) Year

In fourth year, but changed my major in order to increase GPA, which has put me a year behind in getting the bachelors degree. The switch was worth it and increases my chances of getting accepted into a Law School. Took my first practice LSAT test without any studying just to get a baseline and got 28th percentile, need to get 70th percentile or better for the actual test. Have heard stories about how keeners have struggled in Law School and I'm not a 4.0 student, worried that I have struggled to get this far and when I finally reach my goal, I will not make it passed the first year.
Single mother with two kids left in my household, it has been an interesting battle trying to do everything on my own, not much different, but enough to be felt when you lack a support system and are surrounded by negative people who want to see you fail, misery loves company. My own fault realistically, a person naturally gravitates towards people that are familiar and that is what I'm accustomed to, doesn't mean that it what I want or need in my life, and it takes a lot of effort to move outside of the psychological self defeating conundrum. As I've distanced myself from the chaos life has gotten easier to a certain degree, insofar as dealing with a substantially less amount of unnecessary drama, which has distracted me from my goals to the point of insanity in the past, but now I can get up and the only thing I have to worry about is homework deadlines.
Petrified of our inevitable move for graduate school, not that there is anything here worth staying for, it's just unsettling to have to start all over again somewhere else and relocating to another city, moving outside of a comfort zone. I've lived here for about 15 years, leaving to another province where we have never been is such a scary thought. The financial cost to do the move, the cost of living, and the change of weather. What if we absolutely hate it and we're committed to staying for three years? I am thankful that my oldest son has changed his mind and is now planning on moving with us instead of leaving to Vancouver, he has been such a big help over the last year, I'm not sure what I would do without him.
Just plugging along day-by-day hoping for the best.

BA First Year

School has gotten harder, I actually feel overwhelmed some days. My INAC funding mandates 5 class minimum to qualify for financial support (living allowance) it's a little much, even taking only 4 classes would take some off the load off. Almost like they've set their people up to fail in a desperate attempt to save themselves money. Oh well, we have no choice but to make the best of it and try remain grateful for the opportunity.

I have 2 months left and my 1st year will be over, I can't wait and yet I'm frightened at the same time. I will have to find a job to support myself and 4 kids for the 5 months that I'm out of school, not sure it's feasible because I don't have any job experience to make more than minimum wage. I've been a housewife for the past 7 years.

I'm starting to doubt my decision to get a law degree, if I'm struggling with a bachelors then I might not meet the requirements to go further. One of my university professors has been unsupportive and discouraging, stating I might not be cut out to be a lawyer if I can't handle the existing textbook jargin. Sometimes I wonder if I only want to be a lawyer for the title, not that I'm passionate about the career. Sometimes I am thrilled about the idea of being given the opportunity to kick ass in a court room. Sometimes I wonder about the amount of time I'd have to put into the business, learning the ropes before I'm given the opportunity to be in the position that I want to be in. Sometimes I wonder if there is too many options too choose from, will I be able to make the right decisions. Is it possible for me to move up in a stratified system and gain social mobility in a positive direction when I've existed near the poverty line my whole life and this state has been considered a social norm, especially in our subculture. I doubt myself sometimes, other times I feel invincible.

I was hopeful that the 3 other parents (2 Dads and 1 Mom) would start paying child support, but nothing. Can't keep setting myself up with expectations and allowing myself to be disappointed. Can't rely on anyone else but yourself, a sad fact of life. Constantly fearful of what will happen if I stumble and can't do it, if I can't find a job, if I can't pass my school courses, if I can't provide for my children - then what? It's not like anyone else will step up. It's nice that I manage to have a friend or two around for emotional support, but that dynamic is always changing, which in itself can be an upsetting transition. My friends have been the only real support system in life, I know that I'd be able to persevere without them, but not sure for how long before I'd become an emotion wreck, riddled with self doubt and eventually allow myself to fail.

Genuinely Happy

It's been a long road, but I'm here! It was hard at first, adjusting to being alone, getting over the transitional hump. But now that I'm here, I'll never go back.

My four kids have been amazing with me being in school full-time, the oldest two, Dennis & Kiesha have stepped up to the plate and take care of their younger siblings in my absence. I've even had time to decorate the house a little, kitchen face-lift; new paint, new countertops, new dining table set, etc... it feels great! The livingroom is next, then the bathroom.

I thought that being in school was going to be harder, than it actually is. I've gotten a routine down and it has helped to keep me on track. I have managed to get good grades in most of my classes for the 1st semester, except math. But, I've started a study group last week and already got 95% on my last weekly quiz. happy-happy, joy-joy!! The sky is the limit, I tell my kids that you can be anything that you want to be, a Doctor or a Lawyer... yet I'm sitting in a position were it's become a reality for me and I've never dreamed that I'd be here. I could be a Doctor AND a Lawyer, if I wanted to get my psychology phD and a law degree... I can do that! weird.

Dennis will be graduating from high school this year, I worry about him because he doesn't have any set goals for education or a career, which leaves room for him to get lost and wonder around aimlessly, getting into trouble. It would be such a waste because he's very intelligent and it would be nice to see him aspire to greatness. But I have to give him space to find his own way and hope that he comes back when he's ready.

Forward Momentum

Finished all my pre-requisites and secured my seats in Criminology @VIU September 2011. I'm not a big fan of sitting in a classroom and I worry that I won't be able to stand 4 years of university, let alone commit to another 3-4 years for my Law degree. But, I haven't given up on the idea either it would mean a lot to me if I can complete the goal and have a wonderful career.

It was struggle trying to finish my initial classes, I only attended 1-2 ABE courses per semester and tried to prepare my family for my absence in advance, but it was futile. The more I pushed for my own independance after being a fulltime Mother for 8 years, the more needy they seemed to get. Then they turned on me like jackals. How dare I have a life and not be at their beacon call, what a bitch! Regardless I shall persevere and let the chips fall where they may. I have no regrets, but resent the lack of support from the ones I love the most.

This has been a stressful year for me academically and personally. Now I have 1.5 months off for the summer and I'm single. So I'm building my life back up from scratch, it's been interesting to say the least. I managed to get stuck in a rut of misery and I became someone I hated, that woman who said and did things to cover up the truth, to pretend like everything was okay when it wasn't. I've become that sour woman who was left to carry the weight of the World and is now consumed by resentment after chronic disappointments. So deep in denial until it finally came tumbling down and refused to be ignored. I've broken free from the lies and now I'm in pursuit of that person I knew long ago who had a lust for life and found joy in the simple things.

Letting Go

Everything has been purposely transitional for the past 6 months. Hence the adage, "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change you're attitude about it." In a major self evaluation I've made concerted efforts to settle my personal life in order to make way for my next 4 years as a full-time student. I'm weeding out all my stressors to make room for an exciting new future.

Many years ago when I was a youth, I'd take advantage of the opportunity to 'sew my wild oats' which thankfully wore thin quickly. As I matured and reality seeped in, I saw the World from an alternate perspective and I've been deeply disappointed ever since. My girlfriend used to tease me about being naive, which at the time was absurd, but now, with the rose colored glasses removed, the ugliness can be seen clearly and I'd officially become tainted, childhood innocence lost, forever.

I have a handful of true friends and even less of family members who are honest and ethical beings. People who do not go about their day on a quest to destroy others with negativity while turning a blind eye, or living in outright denial about their own failings. I have grown to acquire zero tolerance for ignorance, addicts and liars. Which has made me somewhat antisocial, while my spouse continues to happily jump into the mix of fakers and manipulators ... he can have it, I just don't wanna hear about it when they inevitably stab him in the back, or they turn on him when he needs a friend the most. My policy is; "When everyone and everything around you has crumbled to the ground, you must have the strength to gain your own balance, wilst standing on your own two feet and continue moving forward, unscathed."

This transitional period has left me bare bones, it's like my life has started from scratch after almost 10 years of being stuck in a rut. At first I was frightened, but now I'm optimistic and trust that it was meant to be, I'm ready for the next level and it will be awesome!

My handful of friends has began to dissipate lately and most of it is related to the way people have chosen to parent their children. My advice to all parents would have nothing to do with methods of discipline, or what words of wisdom to say, cause I don't know. The answer is simple, spend quality time with your children. I genuinely enjoy being around my kids and when we're together it gives them opportunity to bond with me. We live by the Golden Rule and it works both ways, I treat them with respect and expect that they treat me likewise. As an attribute to this method, my children love to spend their time at home because I'm here for them and we do regular activities together and their friends are more than welcomed to join us. My kids are "A" students, none of the kids have done drugs, nor have they drank alcohol, even though my two oldest are 14 and 16 they haven't started dating (their own choice) and they all have exceptional manners. Big pat on the back for me! :D

Sometimes I doubt myself when I see the majority of people able to function seemingly content with the fake people they've surrounded themselves with. But the reality is that I just don't have it in me to put on the performance; the gossip, back stabbing, refusing to tell the truth because it might tarnish yours or others reputation, worrying constantly about what everyone else thinks of you, pretending to be agreeable, etc.... it's exhausting! I'd rather just be me, and if I'm hated for it, so be it.

December 2010

I've finished my first semester of ABE courses at Vancouver Island University. I had absolutely dreaded Math, I have always struggled with his course. After the initial assessment I was placed in Math 10 and it's really helped give me a refresher on the basics, I won't be surprised to receive an A or B as I've managed to keep my marks around 90-95% The Math 11 is done in 2 semesters, I have a seat in Math 045 and English 12. I'm still tentative on whether I should take Math 046 in the intermission, or wait until Sept 2011. I am pleased with my current Math teacher, her methods obviously work for me and I think it would be wise for me to stick with her classes. However, if I don't take an intermission course, I will be out of school for 3-4 months and it seems like such a waste when I could be getting myself ahead. Alternatively, if I could get the funding I could take part-time studies towards Criminology, they have Crim 101 & Engl 115 available during the intermission (7 weeks)... decisions, decisions.

Heath has been working in Iqaluit, Nunavut for the past 2 weeks. The job posting stated the accommodation, food and travel was provided. When they arrived it was announced that they would be supplying their own food, using their Northern Allowance of $35/day. Initially the crew took it well and they pooled their monies together to save money. It was 2 days before a landline was installed, the crew had means to contact their families for 3 days before the phone stopped working for long distance, outgoing and incoming. Internet was installed, Heath brought the kids little laptop but somehow it was damaged during travel to Iqaluit. It's been 2 weeks and the crew still does not have answers on whether they are getting paid overtime, or when their paydays will be. This outfit is extremely unorganized. Apparently there was supposed to be 18 crew members sent to Iqaluit for this construction project, but the subcontractor only brought in 6... Heath is the only one who has the experience and knowledge, he's been training the remainder of the crew. Thankfully the crew is being sent home for Christmas, it was first said they would come back December 17th, now they're talking about December 14th and expect crews to return December 27th. Regretfully, Heath will not be returning to Iqaluit, we do not have the time nor the desire to deal with such chaos, these things should have been organized and planned before crews where sent in to work. The employers should have been more forthcoming to the employees about what they were walking into. You can't alienate these people from their families and leave them hanging about their pay and expect them to remain loyal.