BA First Year

School has gotten harder, I actually feel overwhelmed some days. My INAC funding mandates 5 class minimum to qualify for financial support (living allowance) it's a little much, even taking only 4 classes would take some off the load off. Almost like they've set their people up to fail in a desperate attempt to save themselves money. Oh well, we have no choice but to make the best of it and try remain grateful for the opportunity.

I have 2 months left and my 1st year will be over, I can't wait and yet I'm frightened at the same time. I will have to find a job to support myself and 4 kids for the 5 months that I'm out of school, not sure it's feasible because I don't have any job experience to make more than minimum wage. I've been a housewife for the past 7 years.

I'm starting to doubt my decision to get a law degree, if I'm struggling with a bachelors then I might not meet the requirements to go further. One of my university professors has been unsupportive and discouraging, stating I might not be cut out to be a lawyer if I can't handle the existing textbook jargin. Sometimes I wonder if I only want to be a lawyer for the title, not that I'm passionate about the career. Sometimes I am thrilled about the idea of being given the opportunity to kick ass in a court room. Sometimes I wonder about the amount of time I'd have to put into the business, learning the ropes before I'm given the opportunity to be in the position that I want to be in. Sometimes I wonder if there is too many options too choose from, will I be able to make the right decisions. Is it possible for me to move up in a stratified system and gain social mobility in a positive direction when I've existed near the poverty line my whole life and this state has been considered a social norm, especially in our subculture. I doubt myself sometimes, other times I feel invincible.

I was hopeful that the 3 other parents (2 Dads and 1 Mom) would start paying child support, but nothing. Can't keep setting myself up with expectations and allowing myself to be disappointed. Can't rely on anyone else but yourself, a sad fact of life. Constantly fearful of what will happen if I stumble and can't do it, if I can't find a job, if I can't pass my school courses, if I can't provide for my children - then what? It's not like anyone else will step up. It's nice that I manage to have a friend or two around for emotional support, but that dynamic is always changing, which in itself can be an upsetting transition. My friends have been the only real support system in life, I know that I'd be able to persevere without them, but not sure for how long before I'd become an emotion wreck, riddled with self doubt and eventually allow myself to fail.