Genuinely Happy

It's been a long road, but I'm here! It was hard at first, adjusting to being alone, getting over the transitional hump. But now that I'm here, I'll never go back.

My four kids have been amazing with me being in school full-time, the oldest two, Dennis & Kiesha have stepped up to the plate and take care of their younger siblings in my absence. I've even had time to decorate the house a little, kitchen face-lift; new paint, new countertops, new dining table set, etc... it feels great! The livingroom is next, then the bathroom.

I thought that being in school was going to be harder, than it actually is. I've gotten a routine down and it has helped to keep me on track. I have managed to get good grades in most of my classes for the 1st semester, except math. But, I've started a study group last week and already got 95% on my last weekly quiz. happy-happy, joy-joy!! The sky is the limit, I tell my kids that you can be anything that you want to be, a Doctor or a Lawyer... yet I'm sitting in a position were it's become a reality for me and I've never dreamed that I'd be here. I could be a Doctor AND a Lawyer, if I wanted to get my psychology phD and a law degree... I can do that! weird.

Dennis will be graduating from high school this year, I worry about him because he doesn't have any set goals for education or a career, which leaves room for him to get lost and wonder around aimlessly, getting into trouble. It would be such a waste because he's very intelligent and it would be nice to see him aspire to greatness. But I have to give him space to find his own way and hope that he comes back when he's ready.

Forward Momentum

Finished all my pre-requisites and secured my seats in Criminology @VIU September 2011. I'm not a big fan of sitting in a classroom and I worry that I won't be able to stand 4 years of university, let alone commit to another 3-4 years for my Law degree. But, I haven't given up on the idea either it would mean a lot to me if I can complete the goal and have a wonderful career.

It was struggle trying to finish my initial classes, I only attended 1-2 ABE courses per semester and tried to prepare my family for my absence in advance, but it was futile. The more I pushed for my own independance after being a fulltime Mother for 8 years, the more needy they seemed to get. Then they turned on me like jackals. How dare I have a life and not be at their beacon call, what a bitch! Regardless I shall persevere and let the chips fall where they may. I have no regrets, but resent the lack of support from the ones I love the most.

This has been a stressful year for me academically and personally. Now I have 1.5 months off for the summer and I'm single. So I'm building my life back up from scratch, it's been interesting to say the least. I managed to get stuck in a rut of misery and I became someone I hated, that woman who said and did things to cover up the truth, to pretend like everything was okay when it wasn't. I've become that sour woman who was left to carry the weight of the World and is now consumed by resentment after chronic disappointments. So deep in denial until it finally came tumbling down and refused to be ignored. I've broken free from the lies and now I'm in pursuit of that person I knew long ago who had a lust for life and found joy in the simple things.

Letting Go

Everything has been purposely transitional for the past 6 months. Hence the adage, "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change you're attitude about it." In a major self evaluation I've made concerted efforts to settle my personal life in order to make way for my next 4 years as a full-time student. I'm weeding out all my stressors to make room for an exciting new future.

Many years ago when I was a youth, I'd take advantage of the opportunity to 'sew my wild oats' which thankfully wore thin quickly. As I matured and reality seeped in, I saw the World from an alternate perspective and I've been deeply disappointed ever since. My girlfriend used to tease me about being naive, which at the time was absurd, but now, with the rose colored glasses removed, the ugliness can be seen clearly and I'd officially become tainted, childhood innocence lost, forever.

I have a handful of true friends and even less of family members who are honest and ethical beings. People who do not go about their day on a quest to destroy others with negativity while turning a blind eye, or living in outright denial about their own failings. I have grown to acquire zero tolerance for ignorance, addicts and liars. Which has made me somewhat antisocial, while my spouse continues to happily jump into the mix of fakers and manipulators ... he can have it, I just don't wanna hear about it when they inevitably stab him in the back, or they turn on him when he needs a friend the most. My policy is; "When everyone and everything around you has crumbled to the ground, you must have the strength to gain your own balance, wilst standing on your own two feet and continue moving forward, unscathed."

This transitional period has left me bare bones, it's like my life has started from scratch after almost 10 years of being stuck in a rut. At first I was frightened, but now I'm optimistic and trust that it was meant to be, I'm ready for the next level and it will be awesome!

My handful of friends has began to dissipate lately and most of it is related to the way people have chosen to parent their children. My advice to all parents would have nothing to do with methods of discipline, or what words of wisdom to say, cause I don't know. The answer is simple, spend quality time with your children. I genuinely enjoy being around my kids and when we're together it gives them opportunity to bond with me. We live by the Golden Rule and it works both ways, I treat them with respect and expect that they treat me likewise. As an attribute to this method, my children love to spend their time at home because I'm here for them and we do regular activities together and their friends are more than welcomed to join us. My kids are "A" students, none of the kids have done drugs, nor have they drank alcohol, even though my two oldest are 14 and 16 they haven't started dating (their own choice) and they all have exceptional manners. Big pat on the back for me! :D

Sometimes I doubt myself when I see the majority of people able to function seemingly content with the fake people they've surrounded themselves with. But the reality is that I just don't have it in me to put on the performance; the gossip, back stabbing, refusing to tell the truth because it might tarnish yours or others reputation, worrying constantly about what everyone else thinks of you, pretending to be agreeable, etc.... it's exhausting! I'd rather just be me, and if I'm hated for it, so be it.

December 2010

I've finished my first semester of ABE courses at Vancouver Island University. I had absolutely dreaded Math, I have always struggled with his course. After the initial assessment I was placed in Math 10 and it's really helped give me a refresher on the basics, I won't be surprised to receive an A or B as I've managed to keep my marks around 90-95% The Math 11 is done in 2 semesters, I have a seat in Math 045 and English 12. I'm still tentative on whether I should take Math 046 in the intermission, or wait until Sept 2011. I am pleased with my current Math teacher, her methods obviously work for me and I think it would be wise for me to stick with her classes. However, if I don't take an intermission course, I will be out of school for 3-4 months and it seems like such a waste when I could be getting myself ahead. Alternatively, if I could get the funding I could take part-time studies towards Criminology, they have Crim 101 & Engl 115 available during the intermission (7 weeks)... decisions, decisions.

Heath has been working in Iqaluit, Nunavut for the past 2 weeks. The job posting stated the accommodation, food and travel was provided. When they arrived it was announced that they would be supplying their own food, using their Northern Allowance of $35/day. Initially the crew took it well and they pooled their monies together to save money. It was 2 days before a landline was installed, the crew had means to contact their families for 3 days before the phone stopped working for long distance, outgoing and incoming. Internet was installed, Heath brought the kids little laptop but somehow it was damaged during travel to Iqaluit. It's been 2 weeks and the crew still does not have answers on whether they are getting paid overtime, or when their paydays will be. This outfit is extremely unorganized. Apparently there was supposed to be 18 crew members sent to Iqaluit for this construction project, but the subcontractor only brought in 6... Heath is the only one who has the experience and knowledge, he's been training the remainder of the crew. Thankfully the crew is being sent home for Christmas, it was first said they would come back December 17th, now they're talking about December 14th and expect crews to return December 27th. Regretfully, Heath will not be returning to Iqaluit, we do not have the time nor the desire to deal with such chaos, these things should have been organized and planned before crews where sent in to work. The employers should have been more forthcoming to the employees about what they were walking into. You can't alienate these people from their families and leave them hanging about their pay and expect them to remain loyal.

End of 2010

It's been a long time since I've written in the blog. Alot has changed, some of it I can't even tell you about, for now.

We had a busy summer. I established a lawn mowing biz for the kids over the summer break which helped immensely. The kids all worked very hard and their efforts were rewarded. We were able to enjoy expensive activities that we'd ordinarily been unable to afford, like Wildplay and Parksville Pirate Fun Park Miniature Golf.

I shutdown our construction company, regretfully it was being driven downhill and I no longer wanted to be a part of it. So rather than watch it crash and burn, I packed it up. Now I've started to work on my own forward momentum and it's been going very well, so far.

I'm excited about the new direction in my life, I've decided to pursue Criminology @ VIU. I'm doing pre-requisites for this year; Math, English and threw in Bio12. If I can get a 2 year certificate than it would open up alot of career opportunities for me in the legal system; legal assistant, paralegal, parole officer, native court worker, etc... which is what I've always wanted to do. If I decide to go further and pursue my BA Criminology, then I'll take it all the way, attending UVic 2-3 years for my Law Degree.

Koda started Kingergarten this year, he's loving it! Dennis & Kiesha have maintained a A/B average in High School for the past two years. Regretfully, Devon has never excelled academically but I've always been very proud of his personal ethics, he will grow up to make his Mother proud.

This year will have been the beginning of big changes in my life. I'm looking forward to making it on my own and strive towards my personal goals of gaining an enjoyable career and someday soon purchasing my own house.

Next Idea

New plan for education is that I take the Chemistry and Biology @VIU Sept 2010 and register for the RN course 2011. I have assessments for English and Math tomorrow and I'm afraid that I'll fail the Math and have to suffer through 3 maybe 4 courses, argh! I've been reluctant to take the RN course since I have no related experience to the health industry and have no idea if it's something I would enjoy as a life long career, we'll have to wait and see what happens, there is no point in wasting a year of funding on an LPN course if it's not necessary. My long term goal is to take the Nurse Practitioners course at UVIC... but I'm sure that will change too, after FOUR years of college I might be sick of school and just wanna work fulltime as a Registered Nurse.

Survived the supervised visitation with Wanda and Family. The aftermath has been interesting as everything has been coming out of the woodwork. It seems as though Wanda has taken two steps back from any progress she'd made after attending the Haisla Alcohol & Drug Treatment Centre a number of years ago. She's returned the the substance abuse and her 7 year relationship is undeniably toxic on many levels. Yet they continue to deny everything and lie to our faces like we're complete fools! In any other context I wouldn't care, to each their own, right? But there is too much inconsideration being given to the children involved and as adults we do have an obligation as parents to protect their best interests and well being.

Business has been booming, it's that time of year. Heath has work overlapping and their are at least two more projects that could have been added to an already full schedule. I'm tentative about adding additional carpenters to work independently because it's difficult to find people who have the workmanship that we can trust, it's caused us problems in the past. On the flip side, I'm working a lawn mowing business with the three older children and its' also going great, they have a handful of regular clients that we cater to on the weekends and we'll build on that after school is finished for the summer.

Ride is Over

Feel normal again, but got hit with a pretty bad head cold, woken up @ 6:30am with congestion and runny nose, looks like I've hit the peak of this illness. Good news is that I was up early to enjoy the FREE coffee from Starbucks! By 9am Heath and the kids had acquired 3 cups for me before they left for work/school! LOL

Good thing I was showered, dressed and ready to go early this morning, Pam called sick with a major migraine, I dashed over to take Masey so she could rest. We hunted for crabs & seaweed on the beach to feed my chickens, Masey was so excited! Koda loves hanging out with his lil buddy they get along great.

We've been suffering with a head cold for the past few days, I've been trying to find time to lay in bed and rest for the last 3 days, unsuccessfully. Between the kids, Heath & work, I have no time to sit still. I did get my wine bottled and have managed to process three work quotes. The kids have continued to mow lawns after school & on weekends. I made it to 2 workouts on Monday, one was a booked appointment with a trainer and I went again 7pm with Svea for Latin Dance classes, alot of fun, however I made the mistake of eating rich Coldstone Creamery Ice cream before the dance class which sat heavy and made me feel sick after all the bouncing.

Yesterday we had a lawn mowing of 1 acre property that is for sale, 2 houses (3 living suites) & 3 garages, would LOVE to own it, currently selling for 545k but it's R-zoning, I'd prefer A-2. I recieved a call from the homeowner this afternoon, the tenants are dissatisfied with the mowing, they figure for the money they pay in rent, the lawn should be done better... what a bitch! We were on the site for 3 fricken hours. I ended up having to leave 1/2 hour early from this job because Devon was in tears over an ear ache, I brought him to the Clinic and they put him on amoxicillin for an ear infection. Heath supervised the kids and made sure to go the extra mile, from what the Landlord expected of us and I'm shocked the tenants are being difficult.

I've been communicating with Wanda for the past week re: visitation, her brother recieved a large sum of money and they want to travel here to see Dennis & Kiesha. Wanda called yesterday to say they're coming this weekend. I've agreed to supervise the visitation this time and advised Wanda to arrange a professional supervisor for subsequent visits. Should be interesting, I really don't know what to expect, but I'm sure it will be okay, anything questionable happens and I'll end the entire visit immediately.

I'm still really sitting on the fence about the LPN, I could struggle through the Bio12 course and hope to be ready for the exam in June, then try get the Math/English assessment done ASAP to get on the waiting list for a seat Sept or Nov 2010. I hate being rushed, I am also annoyed by the disorganization of the current program that I'm taking and think it would be easier if I attend a classroom structure for Bio12, I'd have been done long time ago if I'd done this in the first place. I still feel somewhat tied down because Koda isn't in kindergarten yet, having him in school fulltime will help immensely for being in school or starting a job.