Genuinely Happy

It's been a long road, but I'm here! It was hard at first, adjusting to being alone, getting over the transitional hump. But now that I'm here, I'll never go back.

My four kids have been amazing with me being in school full-time, the oldest two, Dennis & Kiesha have stepped up to the plate and take care of their younger siblings in my absence. I've even had time to decorate the house a little, kitchen face-lift; new paint, new countertops, new dining table set, etc... it feels great! The livingroom is next, then the bathroom.

I thought that being in school was going to be harder, than it actually is. I've gotten a routine down and it has helped to keep me on track. I have managed to get good grades in most of my classes for the 1st semester, except math. But, I've started a study group last week and already got 95% on my last weekly quiz. happy-happy, joy-joy!! The sky is the limit, I tell my kids that you can be anything that you want to be, a Doctor or a Lawyer... yet I'm sitting in a position were it's become a reality for me and I've never dreamed that I'd be here. I could be a Doctor AND a Lawyer, if I wanted to get my psychology phD and a law degree... I can do that! weird.

Dennis will be graduating from high school this year, I worry about him because he doesn't have any set goals for education or a career, which leaves room for him to get lost and wonder around aimlessly, getting into trouble. It would be such a waste because he's very intelligent and it would be nice to see him aspire to greatness. But I have to give him space to find his own way and hope that he comes back when he's ready.

Forward Momentum

Finished all my pre-requisites and secured my seats in Criminology @VIU September 2011. I'm not a big fan of sitting in a classroom and I worry that I won't be able to stand 4 years of university, let alone commit to another 3-4 years for my Law degree. But, I haven't given up on the idea either it would mean a lot to me if I can complete the goal and have a wonderful career.

It was struggle trying to finish my initial classes, I only attended 1-2 ABE courses per semester and tried to prepare my family for my absence in advance, but it was futile. The more I pushed for my own independance after being a fulltime Mother for 8 years, the more needy they seemed to get. Then they turned on me like jackals. How dare I have a life and not be at their beacon call, what a bitch! Regardless I shall persevere and let the chips fall where they may. I have no regrets, but resent the lack of support from the ones I love the most.

This has been a stressful year for me academically and personally. Now I have 1.5 months off for the summer and I'm single. So I'm building my life back up from scratch, it's been interesting to say the least. I managed to get stuck in a rut of misery and I became someone I hated, that woman who said and did things to cover up the truth, to pretend like everything was okay when it wasn't. I've become that sour woman who was left to carry the weight of the World and is now consumed by resentment after chronic disappointments. So deep in denial until it finally came tumbling down and refused to be ignored. I've broken free from the lies and now I'm in pursuit of that person I knew long ago who had a lust for life and found joy in the simple things.

Letting Go

Everything has been purposely transitional for the past 6 months. Hence the adage, "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change you're attitude about it." In a major self evaluation I've made concerted efforts to settle my personal life in order to make way for my next 4 years as a full-time student. I'm weeding out all my stressors to make room for an exciting new future.

Many years ago when I was a youth, I'd take advantage of the opportunity to 'sew my wild oats' which thankfully wore thin quickly. As I matured and reality seeped in, I saw the World from an alternate perspective and I've been deeply disappointed ever since. My girlfriend used to tease me about being naive, which at the time was absurd, but now, with the rose colored glasses removed, the ugliness can be seen clearly and I'd officially become tainted, childhood innocence lost, forever.

I have a handful of true friends and even less of family members who are honest and ethical beings. People who do not go about their day on a quest to destroy others with negativity while turning a blind eye, or living in outright denial about their own failings. I have grown to acquire zero tolerance for ignorance, addicts and liars. Which has made me somewhat antisocial, while my spouse continues to happily jump into the mix of fakers and manipulators ... he can have it, I just don't wanna hear about it when they inevitably stab him in the back, or they turn on him when he needs a friend the most. My policy is; "When everyone and everything around you has crumbled to the ground, you must have the strength to gain your own balance, wilst standing on your own two feet and continue moving forward, unscathed."

This transitional period has left me bare bones, it's like my life has started from scratch after almost 10 years of being stuck in a rut. At first I was frightened, but now I'm optimistic and trust that it was meant to be, I'm ready for the next level and it will be awesome!

My handful of friends has began to dissipate lately and most of it is related to the way people have chosen to parent their children. My advice to all parents would have nothing to do with methods of discipline, or what words of wisdom to say, cause I don't know. The answer is simple, spend quality time with your children. I genuinely enjoy being around my kids and when we're together it gives them opportunity to bond with me. We live by the Golden Rule and it works both ways, I treat them with respect and expect that they treat me likewise. As an attribute to this method, my children love to spend their time at home because I'm here for them and we do regular activities together and their friends are more than welcomed to join us. My kids are "A" students, none of the kids have done drugs, nor have they drank alcohol, even though my two oldest are 14 and 16 they haven't started dating (their own choice) and they all have exceptional manners. Big pat on the back for me! :D

Sometimes I doubt myself when I see the majority of people able to function seemingly content with the fake people they've surrounded themselves with. But the reality is that I just don't have it in me to put on the performance; the gossip, back stabbing, refusing to tell the truth because it might tarnish yours or others reputation, worrying constantly about what everyone else thinks of you, pretending to be agreeable, etc.... it's exhausting! I'd rather just be me, and if I'm hated for it, so be it.