Christmas 2009

Ba Hum Bug!!!

I already detest this holiday and Christmas is still 5 days away! My DH in his brilliance had decided that we're going to spend the holidays with his family, without consulting me!! I'm not sure if I'm being completely unreasonable, maybe DH & our 4 kids will have a good time, but I feel like my holiday has been ruined...

We are not a wealthy family, we get by and live a comfortable lifestyle, but it's never been lavish. Every year we've spent Christmas pretty much on our own, accept when Grandma/pa Mackey were alive, we drove 45 minutes to their home for dinner, no big deal. Our money was available to spend on the kids and we get them one large item, which was usually an electronic ~ PSP, Nintendo DS, Wii, DVD Player, Video Camera, etc...

THIS YEAR, after saving $200 for the ferry cost to get back and forth to Vancouver (not to mention the cost of fuel in our vehicle) plus the fact we had to buy gift for two persons in the family, cause this is THEIR tradition (chose names from hat) that's another $200 out of the ole budget. Plus we can't forget about the alcohol, our contribution is TWO cases of beer, even though I don't really drink. Nor do I support the idea of people getting hammered around my four children!!

This is the one time of year that I look forward to dumping large sums of money on my kids, now I have $450+ missing from an already tight budget and we were not able to afford to buy the kids any electronics this year. Not the mention the fact that I can't afford to purchase a birthday gift for DH (Dec 24th) nor are either of us able to purchase gifts for each other for Christmas because we have no money left! I know when it comes to time for Heath to open his presents and he has NONE from his wife, I'm gonna feel even worse! Lets drag this wonder feeling out for another two God damn days, can't wait!!

Lets be realistic about these visits anyhow, everytime we've spent the money to take the trip for a few days of seeing the family, I'm babysitting the kids while everyone else is drinking their faces off and hungover the next day ~ big freaking deal, I'd rather stay home!! Next year I'm planning a trip ANYWHERE to avoid this bullshit, who needs it?!

Lost in the Shuffle

I feel like my life is not my own most days, I live to serve the other 5 members of my family at a whim and get lost if the shuffle, nor does anyone seem to care to return the favor. This didn't seem to matter much for most of the last 5 years I've been a stay at home mother, I definitely felt the one sided nature of it all when I attempted to be a surrogate in 2007; now I feel it again as I attempt to gain an education, which requires ME time and joined a gym to lose weight, which requires ME time and it's a constant battle to acquire this time. I can't tell you how many times I've had to cancel a workout because of someone elses schedule interfering with mine.

I signed up for Biology 12 in June 2009, one of the courses I needed to complete as a pre-requisite to take the Registered Nursing Program @ Vancouver Island University; 6 months later I'm still stuck on the first 4 out of 15 units! I attended the class this AM to take the Unit 2 test after studying for weeks and failed miserably!! Would I do better in a fulltime classroom atmosphere? I don't know. The reality is that I've realised that I HATE school and couldn't take a 4 year course, therefore I've restructured my plans to complete this biology course and take the 1 year Licensed Practical Nurse program, which would start Sept/August 2010. This means I have 9-10 months to finish this damn Biology course that I have grown to detest!! My instructor has allowed me the opportunity to retake the Unit 2 test, we also discussed in detail methods that would assist in my efforts to retain more information.

After many conversations with my spouse, I find that we remain lower on his priority list that I'd like. Although I have no doubt that my priorities consist of #1 My Children; #2 My Spouse #3 Myself #4 My friends ... his are #1 Himself #2 His Friends #3 Work #4 Spouse #5 Children; I've stated to him on numerous occassions that we co-exist in a divided household, I am a single mother of four children while he is a roommate who makes appearances at the residence as he pleases. When the children have grown and moved out, I'm not sure we'll be able to stand being in the same room together for extended periods of time, we have very little in common and currently live somewhat seperately. The only thing we speak of in detail is work and even then it's different prospectives and constant conflict.

I guess the question is, what does one do from here? The only thing that I can foresee is scheduling in time for myself, cause nobody is gonna GIVE it to me, I have to make it happen. I know it's been suggested that I get childcare, then it gives me the days to myself while the rest of the kids are at school and Heath is at work. Not forgetting the fact that I'd be doing this if I was in the classroom fulltime anyhow. But, there is a barrier that I've created in this regard, I feel that my spouse should be able to support me in my endevours; which he's not, so realistically I should stop waiting for it and book the damn daycare, commit already!! Don't get me wrong the financial aspect does concern me immensely as well, it seems strange for me to buy time for myself while I sit at home and read; but alas this is just MY prospective and I've allowed these things to create barriers for my own progress.